Conflicted Feelings
by Daniella Ivette
Summary: -ALTERNATE UNIVERSE- What did Monica really feel when she left David? -Warning for philosophical content-
1. Obsession & Guilt

**Title:** Conflicted Feelings

**Author:** Danielle Swinton

**Genre: Angst / Drama**

**Rating:** PG-13 to R (angst and philosophical stuff)

**Archive:** Sure!

**Feedback:** Please! Praise and constructive critics accepted!

**Disclaimer:** David and the Swintons were created by Brian W. Aldiss; Kubrick, Spielberg, Amblin Entertainment and DreamWorks own them; I just play with them. 

**Warning:** Alternative Universe, crossover, some canned philosophy ahead.

**Notes: Inspired in Richard Linklater's breathtaking movie "Waking Life" (in fact, this is a parody of the movie's trailer with some of my own stuff). You'll also find some quotes from "Lord of The Rings: Return of the King". It also reflects Chapters 25 & 26 of the Japanese anime series "Neon Genesis Evangelion" (remember when the boy -can't remember his name- was sitting in a chair, everybody accusing him, he was denying his feelings, and all that philosophical stuff? Well, the scenario is almost like that, without the chair. Just for orientation, so you won't feel lost) The movie quotes are in italic, and Monica's conscience's words are in ****_bold and italic._**

**Summary:** After leaving David, Monica shows the angst and guilt she feels for leaving him...

**Chapter 1**

There was a dim room, with black puffy walls; no sight of lights. A shadow moves impatiently around the room, wandering in its mysterious surroundings. 

Hitting the walls, with no results, the shadow walks desperately to the middle of the room, looking for a ray of light, even a tiny spark. But there's no light around. It has never been...neither in the room nor in her actual life...

Monica Swinton lies down in the floor, her head between her arms, her body covered by a large white robe, her hands covering her pale face. The purple lines under her eyes shows she hasn't slept very much lately. But how could she sleep peacefully, with all the desperation, sadness, guilt and angst she had inside her heart? When and how would she find peace of mind? Suicidal thoughts surrounded her mind, as she covered her face with the large locks of her messy brown hair.

She sat down, curling her body like a ball, as if trying to hide herself from the world, or more specifically, from the black puffy walls that surround the dark room in the sanatorium. She covered her face, and closed her eyes, looking for the peaceful sleep she had been deprived of for so long, and it came, for a short time. 

"G'night, Monica, sweet dreams" her mother used to tell her when she was a child.

But her dreams weren't what we would describe as sweet. Haunting images filled her seriously damaged brain; images of sadness, death, suicide. And a pair of deep, loving blue eyes stood out of that havoc space...

------------------------------------------------

"Monica Swinton, 30 years old" a man in a white robe said, watching her through a camera in his office "She arrived here 4 months ago"

"Poor lady" a red-haired nurse asked "What did you find in her, Dr. Richardson?"

"Serious schizophrenia, suicidal behaviour...she's really bad now" the doctor said, and looked away "Her husband was desperate; he couldn't bear with her since that happened"

"What happened?" she asked again.

"Remember the child robot that disappeared 4 months ago?"

"Yes...wait, you're not telling me that-"

"Indeed, she was David's mother, and she sent him away" the doctor said "Mr. Swinton told me she's been having nightmares since she dumped the kid"

"She must have felt really guilty" the nurse said, compassionately. 

"She loved David very much, but now he's gone because of her, and that caused her guilt" he explained "At the beginning there were just some bad dreams, and then she started seeing David everywhere. One day, she tried to kill herself jumping through a window, and her second attempt was cutting her wrists. Her husband couldn't bear it anymore, so he brought her here"

"What about their other son...Martin?" she asked.

"He's with his relatives in Anaheim. The family is afraid she will become a danger for them" he said coldly, in a technical-like tone. 

"I think she may become more a danger to herself than to anyone else" the nurse said worriedly, looking to the screen where they could see the obviously insane woman. The doctor shrugged doubtfully, and they turned off the screen.

------------------------------------------------

The pitch darkness in the room was suddenly invaded by a faded white light surrounding only the middle of the room, the small space occupied by the asleep woman.

She opened her eyes, still reluctant to come back from Morpheus's sleepy yet peaceful kingdom. As she sat down, curling her legs, she looked at the tiny figure in front of her...

_"Do your remember me?"_

"D-David?" she managed to speak when she saw the little boy in front of her, covered by a white light, wearing the same white outfit as when she first met him "How'd you find me? Are you here to take me with you?"

David smiled blankly, and a soft piano tune started to play in the room _(**A/N:** Remember the tune played in the "Waking Life" trailer?)_, and stood in front of her.

"Oh, David..." she said "I'm so sorry for leaving you, for dumping you there, I'm such a bad mother...you're my son, even if-"

"Even if I wasn't real?" he asked angrily.

"What? No, David, that's not what I-" she tried to speak, but he abruptly interrupted her.

"C'mon, Mommy! Admit it at once! You left me because I wasn't like Martin" he said coldly, the anger welling into his once soft, innocent blue eyes; and he shouted at the top of his lungs "Because I WAS NOT REAL!!"

"No, no, no..." she said "You were real to me..."

"Real? How can you define what is real and what it's not?" he asked her "Is it something you can touch or see? Is it something you can feel?"

"I-I don't know..." she answered, confused.

"Well, it isn't any of those three. Real is something you just know that it is" he smiled, sadly "Like my love for you...but you didn't want to accept it"

"Of course I did! I loved you!" she yelled between gasps.

"Then why did you leave me? WHY?!" he sputtered.

"Oh, God...I...It was Henry, and Martin, and-"

"I know they didn't like me" he said in a softer tone, then he raised his voice "But you could still decide! You could make them respect your will! You're the only reason why I existed!"

"And that's why you're here?"

"No...I'm just a reflection" he said.

"A...reflection?" she asked, confused.

"I'm a reflection of the David you knew, the one who's in your mind...the only place where I will be from now" he said, sadly "But maybe I never left that place"

"What do you mean?" she asked, and David answered...

_"That maybe I only exist in your mind...I'm just as real as anything else"_

"Real? How do you know what's like to be real?"

"It depends on what you consider real...maybe Orgas think they're real because they can eat and cry, and all you as humans do" he said "But can a robot like me be considered real, to be seen as something real? Because I'm standing here, just as you are sitting in front of me"

"But you just said you were a-"

"There's a big mistake some humans do" David said "You don't believe in anything you can't see...you know, I would have done everything to become real for you...if only you had let me!"

"David, if only I hadn't left you..."

"But you can't change the past" he said "It's passed now...but sometimes, have you wondered what would have happened if you hadn't left me? Have you thought of how happy we could've been together?"

"Yes...every single day. And when I think of it, I feel so sad for not letting those things happen...one thought after other" she said, sobbing _"It's like I'm walking in alternate universes"_

"But they never were, and never will be...but why?" he asked, and he sputtered angrily "Because you left me, that's why!"

"I don't know...I'm so confused"

"Confused? That's a term we as robots can't understand" David looked blankly at her _"You gave away your life's grace...I can not help you anymore" he added, and disappeared, with the light surrounding him, leaving a complete darkness in the room...or in her mind..._

"David?! Where are you? I don't know what to do..." she cried, her head between her hands. And a soft, low voice spoke from inside her...

**_So, you're confused._**

"Yes" Monica said.

**_Your heart and soul are full of guilt._**

"Yes" she repeated.

**_And you could avoid that._**

"How could I do that?"

**_Your heart knew the answer, but you didn't want to listen to it._**

"If I had, I wouldn't have left David alone"

**_So, you threw him away._**

"No...I just tried to-"

**_So, you threw him away, like a piece of trash, like a toy you didn't want anymore._**

"No! I didn't mean to! I saved him from being destroyed!" she hollered.

**_But being destroyed by that company would have been more bearable for him than being rejected by his own mother._**

"At least I gave him a chance!" Monica cried out. Her poorly functioning brain was digging out all the feelings she had hidden for so long.

**_A chance? For what? To feel the sadness of being rejected by you? To feel all that sorrow, to endure all that undeserved pain?_**

"But he would survive! He would have a chance to find another person to love"

**_But you're imprinted in his brain; you're the only one he can love._**

"I know! If only things were different" she said, in a thin whisper.

**_You could make them different...if only you wanted to._**

"I just...how could I?, there was Henry...and Martin...and-"

**_You're a different individual, you have your own decisions. But you took the wrong one._**

"But if I had kept him, he would be destroyed. I couldn't handle that"

**_And you left him, completely alone, lacking of the love and care...that he never had._**

"But it wasn't my fault!" she said. 

**_Yes, it was. And now your mind is a chaos. Now you left him, and he will haunt you...forever._**

****

"No...no!!" she cried out loudly, hitting her head with her hands.

**_There could have been a different ending for this. But this was your choice. _**

"I had no choice!"

**_You chose it to let it happen. Now bear with the consequences. _**

"WHY DID YOU COME HERE?! WHY? TO TORMENT ME?!" she yelled angrily, and the voice laughed.

**_You're already being tormented._**

Monica Swinton closed her eyes, trying to hide the pitch darkness surrounding her, and David's face from her mind. But no matter how much she tried, he was still there, his blue eyes haunting her...

For her, that was the beginning...the beginning of a serious fight against her heart...against her feelings...if she ever remembered she had...her conflicted feelings...

**********************************

**LITERARY EASTER EGGS: **

* **Morpheus's Kingdom**: Please, don't be confused with Morpheus, the character of "Matrix"! As some of you may know, Morpheus is the Greek God of dreams and sleep. When I say "Morpheus sleepy kingdom", I'm saying that Monica **WAS SLEEPING!**

* **"Waking Life"** : A wonderful, thought-provoking movie by Richard Linklater. You can check out this movie at 

, and in  .

Check out **the trailer** here: , and if it doesn't work, try this one: 

....You'll see where I took the music from!


	2. I've finally found peace

Here's the second chapter of my fic, hoping you'll enjoy it and you'll see an ending you didn't expect...

**WARNING: Tons of philosophical stuff ahead!!**

************************************

**Chapter 2**

Monica looked through the window, and saw the city of New York covered by heavy drops of rain. The gray sky with dark, stormy clouds, covered the city.

"Rain, dark sky...dark, like I am feeling inside" she whispered, and shook her head "I don't like it"

Two hours passed by, and a beautiful sunset appeared in the sky, at 6:30 p.m. Monica looked again through the window. 

"The sun goes down, life's wilting away, my life's fading away" she said "I don't like it"

She looked at a magazine she had in her room (she usually liked to see the pictures in the magazines, specially landscapes, because they reminded her of the freedom she couldn't have), and her eyes rested in the picture of a beautiful sunshine, the sun was appearing through the mountains.

"The morning...the beginning of a new day, of a bad day" she said again "So strange, so useless...I don't like it"

**_What do you want? What do you need?_**

"I don't want to be alone" Monica said.

**_What are you afraid of?_**

****

"I'm afraid of rejection"

**_Afraid that the world will hate you?_**

****

"Afraid that I will hate myself"

**_Why would you hate yourself?_**

****

"I'm such a horrible person...I left David...I'm so selfish...I don't like myself" she said.

A new light appeared in the dark room, this time behind Monica's body. She looked behind her, and found a little girl with short, brown hair, pale skin and brown eyes, wearing a long, pale blue dress. Monica gasped when she recognised her 9-year-old self looking at her with a blank, cold look in her brown eyes, reminiscent of her own.

"I'm afraid of expressing my feelings" the girl said "That's why I'm always trapped in the middle of my life"

"Who are you? You look like me" Monica asked, and the girl smiled.

"I'm the reflection of yourself when you were 9 years old" she answered "When you were young and innocent...like David"

David again...always haunting her. Like a stone in her shoe, like a lump in her heart. She sat still, her hands resting in her chin.

"Like David? How do you know about him?" she asked.

"He's in your mind" the girl explained "You and me are the same person, so we share memories...but I'm not here to explain that. I'm here to know what's in you, what's really on your mind"

"How can you do that?!" she yelled "You can't"

"You can't do it either. You have too much problems, too much frustration, hidden guilt..." the girl smiled "You haven't met yourself yet"

"I'm trapped" Monica said.

"Yes, you are" the girl said "But it doesn't seem like you wanna even crawl out of that hole you're in"

"I do! I really do! But...I don't know how..." Monica whispered "I'm just trying to find the sense of where I am"

"And how can you find it here, in your own closed world?" the girl said "You created a world of your own, where you can feel safe and comfortable...but do you feel loved?"

"Love? What is love?"

"When I say 'love', the word leaves my mouth and hits the other person's ear, causing a sensation to my words" the girl said "And I'm not talking about sensual matters. The only word I'm using is love. The love a child feels for his or her parents"

"Love..."

"Yes...love. How long has it been since you loved someone?"

This question broke a gap in Monica's mind. She tried to think, in despite of the horrendous pain it caused her...and there he was again...

"David" she whispered. The girl looked at her, blankly.

"Did you love him?" she asked, and Monica bowed her head "I guess you didn't"

"Yes, I did" she said.

"No, you didn't! You could have kept him if you did!" the girl yelled.

"You don't know anything! You can't understand me! Nobody can!" Monica cried out.

**_You can't understand yourself if you don't understand the people around you. They're your reflection. Your image is reflected on them._**

"My image..."

**_Yes. But you can't do it here, because there's no one but yourself. You have no existence out of the closed garden of your mind. You must try to find yourself in other people. You can't see yourself but through other people around you._**

****

"That's why I'm alone. If I'm alone, I'm alone everywhere" 

**_What do you want? What do you really want?_**

****

"I want to be loved...I want company...I don't want to be alone" Monica cried, in a thin whisper "I don't want to disappear"

**_You can reach anything you want. There's always time._**

****

"How can I do that?"

**_Get out of you dream...of your eternal dream. Just...wake up._**

****

Monica opened her eyes, and, for the first time, a white light covered the room. A tiny, soft voice spoke into Monica's ear.

**_Can I be with you?_**

****

"Who are you?" Monica asked "David?"

**_Can I stay here?_**

"Where are you?" she yelled, and a white flash covered her eyes...

------------------------------------------------

"Mommy? Mommy, wake up!" David's voice said. 

Monica opened her eyes, and saw a room that looked so familiar...it was her room, the one she used to sleep in when she lived with Henry, and Martin, and...David...she rubbed the sleep off her eyes, and stood up, straightening up her pink nightgown.

"Hmmph...Good Morning, David..." she whispered.

"C'mon, Mommy!" David said excitedly "We'll be late for school!"

"Okay, okay...lemme take a shower and get changed" she said.

"All right" he said, with his little-boy smile "I'll have breakfast with Daddy and Martin, then"

"Good idea, hunny" Monica said, and entered to the bathroom.

Monica had changed in a pair of jeans and a blue sweater, and she was walking to the kitchen, when she saw David, Martin and Henry having breakfast, Henry still was in his sleeping robe.

"Henry, when will you get changed?" Monica said, looking at her husband, who was reading a newspaper and drinking his coffee.

"Just a second, Monica..." he said "It's not like I'll be late to work"

"Well, you're not the one who has to bear with Dr. Hobby's complaints when you arrive late" Monica rolled her eyes.

"Mommy, we have to go" Martin said, and he and David stood up.

"Right, I'll drop you off at college, and then I'll take David to his school" Monica said, and stood up "Good bye, honey" she added, and kissed Henry.

"Have a good day" he said.

"Bye, Daddy" David said with a smile.

"See ya, David" Henry smiled too "Come here, my boy" he added, and hugged David.

"C'mon, we're late!" Martin said, tying up his sneakers and picking up his backpack.

"Let's go, David" Monica said, and took David by the hand, but she stopped in the doorway to shout "Henry, will you stop reading? You'll be late!"

"Oooooooooooooooooookay!" Henry said, and went back to his newspaper.

"Men...they never learn" Monica rolled her eyes, and Martin and David blushed "I wasn't talking about you, guys...OLD men never learn!" she explained, and both boys giggled.

------------------------------------------------

Monica (the REAL Monica) was looking at the scene from above. 

"I got it" she said "This is a different universe, but it can also be mine"

****

**_There can be another Monica Swinton who has this happy family, who has this happy life. But you can be that Monica, if you want to._**

****

"If I want to accept the possibility that lies inside me" she said.

**_Looking by that way, this world isn't so bad as you may think._**

****

"No, it isn't s bad. But I still hate myself for doing what I did" Monica bowed her head.

**_You hate yourself, yet you can learn to love yourself and the people around you._**

****

"It's my decision?"

**_Yes._**

****

Monica felt a slight weakness in her body, and she suddenly heard a voice she knew too well...

"Do you remember me?" the voice said, and she looked up...there he was...

"David?" she whispered wearily. In fact, David had appeared again, with the blue light around him. He kneeled in front of Monica, and she lied down her head in David's lap. She was so tired...so weak...

"You don't hate yourself, Mommy" he said, caressing Monica's hair "It's your mind that makes you think so"

She looked up at him, he was smiling, always with that innocent charm she loved so much, she had yearned so much. David looked at the window, the sunset still there, the pink sky...

"You're happy in a sunny day, and depressed in a rainy one" he continued "If that's what people tells you, you'll believe that because you'll think it's true"

Monica looked at the sky, and started crying.

"But you can enjoy the rain" he said "The truth can change...there are as much truths as there are different persons in this world...as many stars in the sky at night. But your truth is only one, only yours"

"So...nobody hates me? You don't hate me?" she asked, surprised; feeling the blissful sensation of David's soft hands touching her hair.

"How could I hate you?" he smiled.

"B-because I left you there...I left you on your own...I threw you away..." she sobbed "I'm such a bad mother, I've been bad to you"

"You haven't been" he comforted her with a loving hug "You just took the wrong decision...but I still love you, Mommy"

"How can you love me?, I'm such a coward, weak person"

"If you accept yourself, you can accept other people...like me" David said.

"I hate myself...but I can love myself, and love the others..."

"Do you love me?" he asked, and she looked up.

"Do you love me?" he repeated the question. Monica buried her head in David's chest.

"I do...I've learnt to accept you, David, for who you really are" she whispered "I just...I didn't want to leave you there, David...but Henry and Martin...they made me...if only things were different" she said, and he lifted up her chin, looking her in the eye.

"They CAN be different...everything is possible, if you want it" he said "So you love me?" he asked again, and Monica smiled, looking into his ocean-blue eyes.

"Yes, David. I love you, I love you very much" she finally answered.

David's eyes sparkled with happiness, and he hugged his beloved Mommy tighter.

"Thank you, Mommy...thank you so much...I love you too..." he whispered into her ear "I have a last gift I want to give you..." he added, and nestled his head in Monica's shoulder.

Monica started to cry happy tears, and suddenly began to feel horribly weak and dizzy...her eyes were closing against her will, and her heart was beating slowly...more and more slowly...

"I love you, Mommy..." were the last words she could hear before closing her eyes...

------------------------------------------------

"Oh, my God!" the nurse screamed when she entered the room "Ms. Swinton?! Ms. Swinton?! Wake up!" she said, shaking Monica's limp, unconscious body "Dr. Richardson, emergency in Room 101 come quickly!" she yelled desperately.

Monica could barely see the nurse's rushed desperation, hear her cries for help...because she wasn't there anymore...she was in a place where she had no problems...no sadness...no anguish...no guilt...a place where she could be with David...her beloved little one...the both of them, together again.

**THE END.**

**_"All you have to decide is what to do with the time that's been given to you" --_ Gandalf. _Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King._**

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**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Another fic done! What did you think of it? Reviews, please!**

Well, it's the first fic I make where I don't throw up a "happy ending". If you read carefully, it's one of the darkest endings you can have, but with a strange sweetness to it. Monica dies, but she gets to be with David...or doesn't she? It's an open ending, so you can discuss what might have happened.

First of all, I'd like to thank my cousin, who took me to watch "Waking Life", the film that gave me the main idea for this story.

I also wanna say that you should watch the Japanese anime series "Neon Genesis Evangelion" -chapters 25 & 26- because most of

the story is inspired in those chapters.

I didn't EXACTLY copy them, I added my own stuff! Just for you to know!

Thanks to all my reviewers, and I hope I'll finish "Imprinting Conflict" ASAP.

L8ters!

**Danielle**


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